Stream Of Conciousness

The following is something I wrote down in an actual notebook with a pencil. That's only important to know because this is typed on a blog on the internet, but I keep mentioning pencils and handwriting.       "I want to write a novel." I say, staring at a blank sheet of paper as no words come to mind. I think that maybe, if I just begin to write down any sentences that come to mind, the ideas will start flowing. Maybe everything I've been taught about writing is wrong. Planning my writing seems to get me nowhere. The only times that I have ever written anything lengthy were by feeling the need to write and beginning to do so. My hand is beginning to hurt and i can feel the pencil strokes up my whole arm. It's been a while since I've written anything with pencil and paper. Usually at this point in a paragraph, my writing begins to get more sloppy. So far it appears to be pretty neat. I remember having to write so often in school that the three fingers I use t...

I cant remember the names of songs or who sang them. If you asked me if I'd ever listened to a song, I'm 90% sure I'd reply, “I don’t know.” I'm also bad at remembering important dates. There's certain peoples birthdays I've made sure to burn into my memory. I remember my friend from elementary school’s birthday is April seventh even though I haven’t spoken to her in at least ten years. I remember it partly because my sister's birthday is April 17 th . I think I used to use my sisters birthday to remember my friends birthday. I remember Dad's birthday in October because October is Halloween month. I remember Drew’s birthday, Jessica's birthday, Jessica's son's birthday, and a few other friends birthdays. I made myself forget Mom's birthday. I used to know it. My sister would remind me every year to make sure I hadn’t forgotten so I could make her a birthday card. I made myself forget it because of my falling out with Mom. I didn’t w...

I wish I could say I've been off doing something exciting and adventurous or that I've been so busy I haven’t had time to blog. But the truth is I've been right here in this same spot. Occasionally I open a word document and type up a few paragraphs. Then I highlight all the text and delete it because it doesn’t feel worthy of posting. It gets to a certain point when I'm writing that I just feel like I'm complaining. And I don’t like being the kind of person that complains all the time. I try to avoid it. I also don’t want to be boring. Like I said, I'm not really doing anything adventurous, so the most exciting thing I have to write about is what I make for dinner or that I bought myself a new water bottle (so important, I know), and you cant really get a whole post out of those.  I do have one post in mind that I just haven't gotten around to writing. I want to do a very bloggy blog post with pictures and all the bells and whistles. Wouldn'...

Okay bleh this is going to be a venting post because I'm feeling almost sick to my stomach and I think it might help to put it down on paper. Or the electronic version of that. Drew got a letter in the mail a few weeks ago saying he was approved to receive disability benefits. Fantastic. Wonderful. We have been waiting for like 3 whole years for this to happen. The letter said he would start receiving checks in the mail starting within the next month. It didn’t say how much he was awarded for back pay or even how much the monthly amount would be. Whatever. A few days or a week or whatever later, he got a check and it was a substantial amount and it was actually more than he was expecting, but it didn’t say whether it was a payment from the back pay or if it was the monthly allowance check. There was no letter or any information about it really other than what was on the check itself. I checked the mail today and he had two separate letters from social security or whatever...

I need to get out of my head and into my blog! It's been like??? Four days?? Since I've blogged? IT FEELS UNUSUAL. So here I am. Writing this. But what is this? Your guess is as good as mine. I guess I just feel like if I don't do this regularly I'll stop doing it all together. Maybe this can be an update. So, since I last posted, I tried a cinnamon roll recipe and decided it needs to be changed a little, I still haven't been able to stick to any sort of sleep schedule, and I went grocery shopping. For about a week, I had wanted to make cinnamon rolls. I googled cinnamon roll recipes and found one that had "quick" in the title, because even though I have nothing but time, I don't want to spend all day baking what should be a simple thing. So I found a recipe I liked and bookmarked it. For the rest of the week I told myself that "today", whatever day it happened to be, would be the day I would make cinnamon rolls. And for about fou...

I hate citing things and this is a personal blog not a research paper or a news website, so if you want to know the source of any information I post, you can google it yourself. The definition of an intrusive thought is "an unwelcome involuntary thought, image, or unpleasant idea that may become an obsession, is upsetting or distressing, and can feel difficult to manage or eliminate". For example, if you have ever been chopping vegetables in the kitchen with a sharp knife and suddenly the thought of you taking the knife and stabbing it into your own hand creeps in, that's an intrusive thought. You would never really do that. So why did you think about it? Freud theorized about a similar phenomenon called "thanatos" or a "death drive". He said (and I'm paraphrasing, here) that the mind is sometimes compelled to reduce itself to a state of extinction. In other words, Freud thought that the mind wandered so far as to consider the possibility ...

They say cleanliness is next to Godliness.    In so many cultures, bathing has its connections to holiness. Now, I'm not much of a religious person, but I can’t deny the sanctuary of a shower. The hot, steaming water, the floral scented soaps and shampoos; it’s all very ceremonial and comforting. You can really let your mind idle and wander. I think that’s why we all sing in the shower. (And if you’re not singing in the shower you are denying yourself those fabulous bathroom acoustics!) Your mind is on autopilot, because slathering yourself with shower gel doesn’t require any brain power. Your brain has to entertain itself somehow. That’s where shower thoughts come from!   Don’t you always find that you have your best ideas in the shower? You think of that hilarious thing to tweet, but by the time you’re toweling off, you’ve forgotten what it was. You contemplate the idea of bringing your phone into the shower just so all that potential isn’t wasted, but you dec...