Intrusive Thoughts and Fears
I hate citing things and this is a personal blog not a research paper or a news website, so if you want to know the source of any information I post, you can google it yourself.
The definition of an intrusive thought is "an unwelcome involuntary thought, image, or unpleasant idea that may become an obsession, is upsetting or distressing, and can feel difficult to manage or eliminate".
For example, if you have ever been chopping vegetables in the kitchen with a sharp knife and suddenly the thought of you taking the knife and stabbing it into your own hand creeps in, that's an intrusive thought. You would never really do that. So why did you think about it?
Freud theorized about a similar phenomenon called "thanatos" or a "death drive". He said (and I'm paraphrasing, here) that the mind is sometimes compelled to reduce itself to a state of extinction. In other words, Freud thought that the mind wandered so far as to consider the possibility and immediate consequence of not existing. It's like standing on a cliff and imagining what it feels like to jump off and fall to your death. (Freud has been largely discredited, but his death drive theory seems to echo the definition of intrusive thoughts.¯\_(ツ)_/¯)
Intrusive thoughts can be scary. They can make you question your character. But they're a normal occurrence. Yes, occasional, weird, intrusive thoughts are just a normal part of the human brain. If you are holding your baby and you're a little exhausted and your brain says "what if you dropped him on the floor right now", well honestly, of course you're going to have that thought. That's something you're trying hard to avoid so you worry about accidentally doing it. Brains are dumb sometimes, you can just ignore intrusive thoughts. You can't control them, but they don't control you either. Just don't worry about it.
*I'm not a psychologist or neurologist or any of that, so don't take this blog post as an alternative to getting professional help if you suffer from suicidal thoughts or something like that. That's a whole different ball game, dude.*
The thoughts that do bother me are the ones that stick around. And I'm not really sure that the ones I'm about to mention truly fall under the "intrusive thoughts" category, or if they just count as fears (or irrational fears?).
The biggest one is death. I know death is a natural part of life. There's no way to avoid it. At least, not at our current state of medical and scientific development. To be honest I think the search for "the cure for death"/eternal life is kind of bullshit and will never be achieved, but here's hoping. Anyway. We are all going to die one day and that's just the way it goes.
But I don't want to die. I'm not sure anybody really does. I love life. I think it's great and the world is full of wonders and I feel sad that I might not get to see them all in my lifetime. Or that I wont live to see flying cars, or witness contact with alien life, etc.
Sometimes I'll be doing something. You name it. I'll just be doing any given task, and I will start to think, I could die today. And I try to push that thought out of my brain. I'm young, I'm healthy, I'm mentally stable, and I consider myself to be a pretty happy person. But a car could drive through my living room wall and kill me. A meteorite could come hurtling toward me and strike me dead at any moment. You never know! (I know, it's ridiculous) I could die at anytime! That's what kind of freaks me out. It's so much worse when I get the creeping feeling that death is imminent. For example, sometimes I go out to the grocery store and I get in my car and I feel like I should be extra wary on that particular day. Just because I have a creeping feeling that if I'm not being extra alert that day, I might get in a car wreck. It's like if I haven't thought about it in a while, the universe will realize I've let my guard down and it will strike when I am least expecting it. And I don't want to tempt fate.
"That's a little crazy," you say. "I know," I reply. But that's just how my brain works sometimes.
There's an interesting thing that the brain does sometimes (wow vague). It's called pareidolia (par-eye-DOH-lee-uh) and it's when your brain finds a pattern where there actually isn't one. It's the reason the Rorschach inkblot test works. It allows you to play games like pictionary. Have you ever seen those comment threads where people claim to see faces or structures in pictures of the surface of mars or the moon? When you look at a textured wall or the wood grain of your floorboards and you see a "face", you know it's not really a face, it just resembles one. The same kind of thing can happen with sound. Like when they do EVP sessions on all those ghost hunting shows and they say "This is a recording of a voice saying 'Helen'." and you wonder if you would have just heard the sound of a door creaking, or someone breathing without the help of the text they put on screen. (Because sometimes it is possible that the power of suggestion makes you hear or see things that you really don't.)
My point is, sometimes I feel (even though I may know it's irrational) that I've recognized some sort of pattern in the workings of the universe and if I don't call attention to those patterns, then I won't be able to ward off the death of someone I care about. I sound crazy, I know. Let me explain further. Do you ever hear that someone you know has died and you think "Oh, I haven't thought about them in a while."? I worry sometimes that if I don't think about someone often enough or text them to ask how they're doing, I might end up losing them out of the blue.
I live about an hour's drive from my hometown where both my parents live. We don't have the type of relationship where I'm going home every weekend to see them and plus that's just not affordable, so we pretty much only see each other around the holidays or for special occasions. But sometimes, weeks or months go by where we don't even call or text each other. But with the way I think about death so often, I feel the need to remind myself that I need to think of them every once in a while or they might be lost to me out of nowhere. It's something I can remember doing since I was little.
I'm sure that could be explained away as simply not wanting my family to die, because that would be sad. I don't know why I do it. I'm very fortunate that I haven't experienced many deaths in my family. My grandparents are still alive, all my aunts and uncles and cousins are alive, and so is my sister and my parents. Maybe that's where these intrusive thoughts come from. Don't get me wrong, I'm extremely glad none of my family members have died suddenly or unexpectedly, etc., but I bet because I have no real experience with family members/important people in my life dying, I have developed this irrational fear. Because I don't have any idea how I would feel or what I would do in that situation. Maybe my real fear is fear of the unknown.
Well, it's always fun to start typing and see where a post ends up. I hope this isn't too dark of a subject. I think this kind of psychological phenomenon stuff is pretty interesting! Hopefully this makes some sense and I don't just sound insane. Let me know some of your intrusive thoughts and fears so I don't feel alone lol.
TTFN,
Paige💜
The definition of an intrusive thought is "an unwelcome involuntary thought, image, or unpleasant idea that may become an obsession, is upsetting or distressing, and can feel difficult to manage or eliminate".
For example, if you have ever been chopping vegetables in the kitchen with a sharp knife and suddenly the thought of you taking the knife and stabbing it into your own hand creeps in, that's an intrusive thought. You would never really do that. So why did you think about it?
Freud theorized about a similar phenomenon called "thanatos" or a "death drive". He said (and I'm paraphrasing, here) that the mind is sometimes compelled to reduce itself to a state of extinction. In other words, Freud thought that the mind wandered so far as to consider the possibility and immediate consequence of not existing. It's like standing on a cliff and imagining what it feels like to jump off and fall to your death. (Freud has been largely discredited, but his death drive theory seems to echo the definition of intrusive thoughts.¯\_(ツ)_/¯)
Intrusive thoughts can be scary. They can make you question your character. But they're a normal occurrence. Yes, occasional, weird, intrusive thoughts are just a normal part of the human brain. If you are holding your baby and you're a little exhausted and your brain says "what if you dropped him on the floor right now", well honestly, of course you're going to have that thought. That's something you're trying hard to avoid so you worry about accidentally doing it. Brains are dumb sometimes, you can just ignore intrusive thoughts. You can't control them, but they don't control you either. Just don't worry about it.
*I'm not a psychologist or neurologist or any of that, so don't take this blog post as an alternative to getting professional help if you suffer from suicidal thoughts or something like that. That's a whole different ball game, dude.*
My own intrusive thoughts
Sometimes I have the "stab hand" thought when I'm chopping things in the kitchen. Sometimes I open an EOS lip balm and my brain says "bite the egg blob" but I'm not gonna do that 'cause, ew, waxy teeth. I know that everybody has thoughts like that. Those don't bother me much.The thoughts that do bother me are the ones that stick around. And I'm not really sure that the ones I'm about to mention truly fall under the "intrusive thoughts" category, or if they just count as fears (or irrational fears?).
The biggest one is death. I know death is a natural part of life. There's no way to avoid it. At least, not at our current state of medical and scientific development. To be honest I think the search for "the cure for death"/eternal life is kind of bullshit and will never be achieved, but here's hoping. Anyway. We are all going to die one day and that's just the way it goes.
But I don't want to die. I'm not sure anybody really does. I love life. I think it's great and the world is full of wonders and I feel sad that I might not get to see them all in my lifetime. Or that I wont live to see flying cars, or witness contact with alien life, etc.
Sometimes I'll be doing something. You name it. I'll just be doing any given task, and I will start to think, I could die today. And I try to push that thought out of my brain. I'm young, I'm healthy, I'm mentally stable, and I consider myself to be a pretty happy person. But a car could drive through my living room wall and kill me. A meteorite could come hurtling toward me and strike me dead at any moment. You never know! (I know, it's ridiculous) I could die at anytime! That's what kind of freaks me out. It's so much worse when I get the creeping feeling that death is imminent. For example, sometimes I go out to the grocery store and I get in my car and I feel like I should be extra wary on that particular day. Just because I have a creeping feeling that if I'm not being extra alert that day, I might get in a car wreck. It's like if I haven't thought about it in a while, the universe will realize I've let my guard down and it will strike when I am least expecting it. And I don't want to tempt fate.
"That's a little crazy," you say. "I know," I reply. But that's just how my brain works sometimes.
There's an interesting thing that the brain does sometimes (wow vague). It's called pareidolia (par-eye-DOH-lee-uh) and it's when your brain finds a pattern where there actually isn't one. It's the reason the Rorschach inkblot test works. It allows you to play games like pictionary. Have you ever seen those comment threads where people claim to see faces or structures in pictures of the surface of mars or the moon? When you look at a textured wall or the wood grain of your floorboards and you see a "face", you know it's not really a face, it just resembles one. The same kind of thing can happen with sound. Like when they do EVP sessions on all those ghost hunting shows and they say "This is a recording of a voice saying 'Helen'." and you wonder if you would have just heard the sound of a door creaking, or someone breathing without the help of the text they put on screen. (Because sometimes it is possible that the power of suggestion makes you hear or see things that you really don't.)
My point is, sometimes I feel (even though I may know it's irrational) that I've recognized some sort of pattern in the workings of the universe and if I don't call attention to those patterns, then I won't be able to ward off the death of someone I care about. I sound crazy, I know. Let me explain further. Do you ever hear that someone you know has died and you think "Oh, I haven't thought about them in a while."? I worry sometimes that if I don't think about someone often enough or text them to ask how they're doing, I might end up losing them out of the blue.
I live about an hour's drive from my hometown where both my parents live. We don't have the type of relationship where I'm going home every weekend to see them and plus that's just not affordable, so we pretty much only see each other around the holidays or for special occasions. But sometimes, weeks or months go by where we don't even call or text each other. But with the way I think about death so often, I feel the need to remind myself that I need to think of them every once in a while or they might be lost to me out of nowhere. It's something I can remember doing since I was little.
I'm sure that could be explained away as simply not wanting my family to die, because that would be sad. I don't know why I do it. I'm very fortunate that I haven't experienced many deaths in my family. My grandparents are still alive, all my aunts and uncles and cousins are alive, and so is my sister and my parents. Maybe that's where these intrusive thoughts come from. Don't get me wrong, I'm extremely glad none of my family members have died suddenly or unexpectedly, etc., but I bet because I have no real experience with family members/important people in my life dying, I have developed this irrational fear. Because I don't have any idea how I would feel or what I would do in that situation. Maybe my real fear is fear of the unknown.
Well, it's always fun to start typing and see where a post ends up. I hope this isn't too dark of a subject. I think this kind of psychological phenomenon stuff is pretty interesting! Hopefully this makes some sense and I don't just sound insane. Let me know some of your intrusive thoughts and fears so I don't feel alone lol.
TTFN,
Paige💜
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