Stream Of Conciousness

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ignore all the mistakes and non punctuation and blah blah blah JUST READ IT. so i havent blogged in forever but I'M STRESSIN' so here goes. Section 1: The Great Apartment Hunt      Recently, I've been looking for new apartments to move into because I've lived in my current apartment for four years now and I have outgrown the space. Its a 1 bed, 1 bath with a small kitchen, a sizeable living room and a washer and dryer. It's pretty quiet with plenty of parking. Theres lots of things i like about it but theres also an equal or possibly greater number of things i dislike about it. This place has served us well for the past few years but its time to find a new one. We feel the need to have a little extra space instead of "just enough".      Ideally, we would like to have two bedrooms and at least 1 and a half baths. We would like to have carpet instead of wood floors. Im told its usually the opposite, but i dont understand how you could want t...

The following is something I wrote down in an actual notebook with a pencil. That's only important to know because this is typed on a blog on the internet, but I keep mentioning pencils and handwriting.       "I want to write a novel." I say, staring at a blank sheet of paper as no words come to mind. I think that maybe, if I just begin to write down any sentences that come to mind, the ideas will start flowing. Maybe everything I've been taught about writing is wrong. Planning my writing seems to get me nowhere. The only times that I have ever written anything lengthy were by feeling the need to write and beginning to do so. My hand is beginning to hurt and i can feel the pencil strokes up my whole arm. It's been a while since I've written anything with pencil and paper. Usually at this point in a paragraph, my writing begins to get more sloppy. So far it appears to be pretty neat. I remember having to write so often in school that the three fingers I use t...

Monday, October 2, 2017      Another day, another tragedy. At 5am I logged onto Twitter to the news about Vegas. These days, it seems like something horrible happens every day. Honestly, it probably does. The world is big and full of people and something is always happening to someone. There are bad things happening everywhere all the time, but I don't think that's anything new. I think the internet has made the world more accessible. Something happens across the world and within the hour, Twitter has a trending hashtag about it. With the ability to be alerted to tragedy as soon as it strikes, things seem to pile up on top of each other and become overwhelming. How are you supposed to recover from 'y' when 'x' just happened a week ago? There's a finite amount of time to distance yourself from one horrible thing before the next one happens.          It used to be that you could only get such information from the nightly news or t...

Today, 8/21/2017, is the solar eclipse (Drink every time I say “eclipse”. Including that one.). The last time there was a solar eclipse visible across America was 38 years ago! Sadly, I am not in the path of totality, but at least I will still be able to experience the partial eclipse. I've been excited about this eclipse for weeks. My only regret is not finding any eclipse glasses to properly witness the event.   If you didn’t know, it's very dangerous to look at the eclipse without specially designed eclipse glasses (except during total coverage). It's dangerous to ever look at the sun for extended periods of time anyway, but during the eclipse, the light is so magnified that you can become permanently blinded by it. (I wonder how many news reports there will be about people who didn’t heed the warnings and ended up blind. Hmm…) I don’t really need to look at it though. As I mentioned, I'm not in the path of totality, so I wouldn’t get the full experience anyway. I ...

I cant remember the names of songs or who sang them. If you asked me if I'd ever listened to a song, I'm 90% sure I'd reply, “I don’t know.” I'm also bad at remembering important dates. There's certain peoples birthdays I've made sure to burn into my memory. I remember my friend from elementary school’s birthday is April seventh even though I haven’t spoken to her in at least ten years. I remember it partly because my sister's birthday is April 17 th . I think I used to use my sisters birthday to remember my friends birthday. I remember Dad's birthday in October because October is Halloween month. I remember Drew’s birthday, Jessica's birthday, Jessica's son's birthday, and a few other friends birthdays. I made myself forget Mom's birthday. I used to know it. My sister would remind me every year to make sure I hadn’t forgotten so I could make her a birthday card. I made myself forget it because of my falling out with Mom. I didn’t w...

I wish I could say I've been off doing something exciting and adventurous or that I've been so busy I haven’t had time to blog. But the truth is I've been right here in this same spot. Occasionally I open a word document and type up a few paragraphs. Then I highlight all the text and delete it because it doesn’t feel worthy of posting. It gets to a certain point when I'm writing that I just feel like I'm complaining. And I don’t like being the kind of person that complains all the time. I try to avoid it. I also don’t want to be boring. Like I said, I'm not really doing anything adventurous, so the most exciting thing I have to write about is what I make for dinner or that I bought myself a new water bottle (so important, I know), and you cant really get a whole post out of those.  I do have one post in mind that I just haven't gotten around to writing. I want to do a very bloggy blog post with pictures and all the bells and whistles. Wouldn'...

Dear Jessica, Friday (7/28) Drew’s mom was supposed to come to our house. Drew told me Thursday that she was wanting to come and possibly stay. We only have one bed in our house so she would’ve had to sleep on the couch. Our living room furniture is her old furniture so I'm sure she has slept on the couch we have at some point. Personally I don’t think it’s very comfortable to sleep on. It's fine to sit on, but it's too small to stretch out and have a proper sleep. You’re pretty much forced to stay in a curled up position the entire time you’re asleep. That might be fine for someone who doesn’t toss and turn at night like I do, but I imagine most people do. Its also sort of lumpy. We plan on buying an air mattress in the near future for guests to sleep on. I thought they would cost more but I looked online and found good quality queen size ones for $30-$60. I woke up Friday morning knowing I needed to clean my house to make it ready for a visitor. I put it off for ...

Okay bleh this is going to be a venting post because I'm feeling almost sick to my stomach and I think it might help to put it down on paper. Or the electronic version of that. Drew got a letter in the mail a few weeks ago saying he was approved to receive disability benefits. Fantastic. Wonderful. We have been waiting for like 3 whole years for this to happen. The letter said he would start receiving checks in the mail starting within the next month. It didn’t say how much he was awarded for back pay or even how much the monthly amount would be. Whatever. A few days or a week or whatever later, he got a check and it was a substantial amount and it was actually more than he was expecting, but it didn’t say whether it was a payment from the back pay or if it was the monthly allowance check. There was no letter or any information about it really other than what was on the check itself. I checked the mail today and he had two separate letters from social security or whatever...

This is not what I expected my life to be like. When I was younger I used to wonder what my life would be like as an adult. I figured I would graduate high school, go to college for something or other and have a really cool job. I remember wanting to be an FBI agent, a scientist, or maybe a famous singer (dream big, you know). Turns out I'm not mentally equipped for the first two. Maybe I could do the last one if I wasn’t afraid of performing in front of crowds. I used to imagine that I would get married and maybe have kids along with having my really cool job and a college degree. I told my mom I wanted our house to be my house when my parents were gone. Sounds like a weird thing to say to your mom, but she was always saying stuff like that.   “When I'm dead you can have my jewelry.” Okay, mom, you're only 35 and I'm 8 but sure, when you die I’d like to keep this piece of jewelry and I’ll stay in this house with your ghost. When I was younger I could see my...

I wish I lived a minimalist life. Things would be easier. All I would need is a bed with one set of sheets and one lamp and some books. I would only have one bottle of shampoo and one bottle of conditioner instead of 7. I would have two chairs instead of 10. I would only have a few key pieces of clothing instead of a mound of laundry. Most of all I wouldn't have mess. I wouldn't get frustrated when things get out of place and I have to reorganize them for the 15th time. If I misplaced my keys there would only be a few places to look. Instead, I was made to be a messy person who holds onto math assignments from high school and hordes hole-y t-shirts. My kitchen table is always full of junk mail, jackets, packs of batteries, and bags of dry cat food. Untidy blankets lay across the couches in my living room. Candles live in clusters on any given flat surface and cat toys litter the floor. Drawers and cabinets are full of gadgets and objects I rarely use but keep in case I need t...

Dear Jessica, This is my third post today (and if you wanna get technical, third in the last ten minutes). I just wanted to let you know I'm still reading your blog when you post. Sometimes I check for new posts because I don't always get the e-mail notification immediately and I am very impatient. Anyway, I'm still here! I'm still consuming that sweet, sweet blog content. I never know whether I should write responses to your posts. I think about doing it and then I'm like, "I don't need to give my opinion on everything, shut up, Me." Sometimes I think about commenting or texting you about it, but then I wonder if I even have anything important enough to say. Honestly, I'm probably just overthinking it! Speaking of commenting on things, I wonder whether to respond to some of your motherhood related tweets, because what wisdom could I, a person with no children, impart on you about motherhood. I like to try to help, but sometimes I'm like ...

When I started this blog, I assumed I would just be writing out whatever popped into my head in some kind of unorganized glory and posting it without any kind of editing. That didn’t happen. I’ve always kept a bit of structure in my posts. I don’t know, I guess the writer and the bit of perfectionist in me wouldn’t let too much mess exist in my writing. I may have mentioned before that I feel the need to keep this updated fairly frequently. On a day like today, when I have the writing itch, I don’t need a whole lot of motivation to crank out a post. In fact, this is the second post I'm writing at the moment. I had to stop in the middle of the other one to write down this idea. Doesn’t matter if it’s a good idea… I just like typing lol. Sometimes, it takes me 20 minutes, other times it takes me 2 or 3 hours (from conception to editing and publishing) to write a post. Most of the time if I want to write a post, I put on a Spotify playlist and pause whatever else I'm doing...

I'm in the mood to blast music and sit on the floor and paint like I used to do when I lived with my parents. I used to do a lot more art. My room was full of color and art supplies and random objects that inspired me. And it was messy and I liked it that way. I don’t paint or draw anymore. I barely ever do any creative writing anymore. I don’t lay on my bedroom floor and stare at my ceiling and daydream. I used to have a window above my bedroom door. It was some old design where all the doors in the house had windows above them that could be opened by pushing up this metal rod attached to the door frame. I think it was for before houses had air conditioning and you could open the windows in case it got too hot. I don’t really know. I painted on the glass once. I stood on a ladder and painted a sunset and a giraffe and it took me about 2 or 3 days to finish it. I miss my old room. It was one of my favorite places to be. The wall paper was striped in flowers and the carpet was bl...

I watch a lot of TV. I don’t have cable, and I don’t even have an antenna to pick up local channels, so technically, I watch a lot of Netflix. It seems like there is some kind of distinction between “TV” and “Netflix”, or whatever streaming service you please. It seems like “TV” means scheduled programs that you can pick up locally or on cable. Netflix   ( or insert streaming service here) can be watched at any time and any place as long as you have an account and a Wi-Fi connection. I'm not certain why I'm explaining this to you. Anyway. I've watched all the good shows. I've binged Orange is the New Black, Parks and Rec, Vampire Diaries, Supernatural, Doctor Who (when it was still on Netflix, R.I.P.), and many, many more. I like shows with a lot of seasons and good plots. I like shows that are funny and some that are mysterious and some that have more substance than others. I'm not big on cop shows (and oh my god there’s so many) or military shows (Drew, how...

I found a house I want to buy and I'm already planning where I want to put my furniture. We have been playing with the idea of moving for a while now. We have lived in our current apartment for 4 years now. We need more space (especially storage space) and at least one other bedroom. I really love this place, but I think it’s time for a change. Drew and I were in the car and we were talking about houses and how much our parents paid for houses. My parents bought my childhood home (a two-story, 3br. 2ba. house on 2 acres of land) in like 1996 (?) for $80,000, and Drew’s parents bought a (one level, 3br. 2ba.) house for about the same amount. Our state has the cheapest housing market (which doesn’t mean much when you live in the poorest state), and we were curious what your average house costs these days around where we live. Drew started googling things and ended up on a realty website looking at houses in our area. I can’t remember what number he said was average, but he star...

I'm growing an avocado plant and it took a lot of patience. About a month and a half ago, I bought one of those green mesh bags with four avocados in it. I brought them home and had to refrain from cutting one open because they weren't yet ripe. I freakin' LOVE avocado. But they have to be ripe before you eat them or they are hard and not as flavorful. So I waited for them to ripen. It took about two days for one of them to turn purple and soft. I got excited. I was skipping around the kitchen and singing about how great that avocado was going to be with some salt and pepper. I sliced it in half, leaving the seed in the other half and putting some lemon juice on the exposed flesh to keep it fresh for later and put it in a container in the fridge. I cut vertically and horizontally across the green and yellow avocado and scooped it into a bowl with a spoon. I sprinkled over some salt and pepper and mushed it all around and ate it straight out of the bowl. It was easily the b...

I need to get out of my head and into my blog! It's been like??? Four days?? Since I've blogged? IT FEELS UNUSUAL. So here I am. Writing this. But what is this? Your guess is as good as mine. I guess I just feel like if I don't do this regularly I'll stop doing it all together. Maybe this can be an update. So, since I last posted, I tried a cinnamon roll recipe and decided it needs to be changed a little, I still haven't been able to stick to any sort of sleep schedule, and I went grocery shopping. For about a week, I had wanted to make cinnamon rolls. I googled cinnamon roll recipes and found one that had "quick" in the title, because even though I have nothing but time, I don't want to spend all day baking what should be a simple thing. So I found a recipe I liked and bookmarked it. For the rest of the week I told myself that "today", whatever day it happened to be, would be the day I would make cinnamon rolls. And for about fou...