Great Expectations

This is not what I expected my life to be like.

When I was younger I used to wonder what my life would be like as an adult. I figured I would graduate high school, go to college for something or other and have a really cool job. I remember wanting to be an FBI agent, a scientist, or maybe a famous singer (dream big, you know). Turns out I'm not mentally equipped for the first two. Maybe I could do the last one if I wasn’t afraid of performing in front of crowds.

I used to imagine that I would get married and maybe have kids along with having my really cool job and a college degree. I told my mom I wanted our house to be my house when my parents were gone. Sounds like a weird thing to say to your mom, but she was always saying stuff like that.  “When I'm dead you can have my jewelry.” Okay, mom, you're only 35 and I'm 8 but sure, when you die I’d like to keep this piece of jewelry and I’ll stay in this house with your ghost.

When I was younger I could see myself living in that house as an adult. I still love that house, but it’s not what I want anymore. As I got older I realized I couldn’t plan out my life like I thought. You don’t want the same things at 23 that you wanted at seven.  I clearly remember telling my mother I didn’t want to have kids. Now, that, I’m still on the fence about. The longer I'm in my relationship I wonder if I even want to get married. Honestly I'm probably just psyching myself out, but I wonder if it’s worth it. Not that I don’t love Drew or see myself staying with him, but divorce is expensive. If we ever got married in the first place and happened to get divorced, that is. If we didn’t get married it wouldn’t be the worst thing. (Marriage is expensive too!) Drew would continue to get the most benefits from disability, and that’s a good thing. I can think of plenty of examples of the benefits of remaining unmarried. There are disadvantages too, but at this point in time the advantages outweigh the disadvantages. I don’t really care if we don’t get married. It doesn’t matter. We love each other and I don’t feel like we a legal document to prove it. (I'm not trying to speak ill of anyone who is married, I just don’t care whether I personally get married.)

I used to look down on people who had kids with someone they weren’t married to. It still gives me a little anxiety (I guess is the word?) thinking about it though. I can’t really figure out why specifically. Maybe it’s some kind of leftover guilt trip feeling that society ingrained in me from childhood that you should get married before you have children. Now I just feel like it’s none of my business what other people do.  Personally, I feel like I couldn’t have kids until I was absolutely certain I could afford it. I would want to feel financially secure before even considering bringing a human into the world. And I've always promised myself that I would make sure to save plenty of money for them to go to college. All of that depends on me even having a kid in the first place, though.

My life doesn’t look anything like I thought it would when I was younger. I thought I would have a husband and a house and a cool job. I don’t have any of those things. But that doesn’t mean my life is bad. I spent a lot of time resenting my parents for creating a life. I didn’t ask to be alive and be forced into the world and have to pay bills and deal with depression. But here I am. I've always been disgusted by the saying “life is a gift, that’s why they call it the present” but like… it’s true. Life is a gift. I didn’t ask for life, but I was given it. The world is amazing. Sometimes it’s terrifying. But overall, it’s a beautiful place to be and it’s incredible that we even exist at all. (I have a lot of conflicting emotions lol. One minute I'm annoyed that I exist, and the next I'm thanking my lucky stars.)

This isn’t what I expected my life to be like when I was younger but I don’t mind not getting everything seven year old me wanted. I've still got time. Life is long.

Paige 💜


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