True Stream of Conciousness

I'm standing in my own way. In a lot of aspects.

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i like the feeling of typing even if I'm not typing actual words. I'm so bored. i have energy and I'm tired all at once. and no motivation whatsoever to solve any of my problems.  soon it will be time for me to sleep. to retire to the land of dreams and take solace from the waking world.

nothing matters. nothing matters at all. i could change my life in a second by completing any action on a long list of things. but I'm too scared. of the consequences or the judgement. take your pick. so tired all the time. never enough time. not enough hours in the day for doing all the nothing and living in my head. theres things i could do to burst from this bubble. but would i? would i dare? would i risk doing something i couldn’t come back from? or maybe i could eventually come back from it but the way back would be an uphill climb and I'm just unwilling to put in the work. I've been thinking about how i need to be more confident. I'm in control of my own life. no one else is in control of my life but me. i have the power. i am in control. but its easier to let other people  decide things and control. to take a backseat in my own story. i should be driving. i should be taking the reigns. creating my own story. but I'm afraid. i don’t want to take the responsibility of making the decisions. its too hard. too out of my comfort zone. 

gotta step out of your comfort zone if you want life to begin. maybe that’s why things are the way they are. because i don’t care enough. because i don’t take the things i want i just let things happen. must be scary to live on your own and not have someone to come home to every night. how do people do it? I'm not brave enough. I'm not brave. i wish i was brave. i wish the things you wanted would just come to you. i just want to feel safe and have the things i want out of life but that’s not how it works. life has its own plans. you have to fight the current or youll drown. 

these words are like a coded message that you could never hope to decipher. good luck. bring snacks. youll be here a while. piecing together the information with plot holes inbetween. big large gaping holes in the story where the information was never given. something you could never know but desperately search for. like dipping your hand into dark water hoping to catch a fish. you don’t know how deep the water is or what else lurks below the surface and let alone whether it will be friend or foe. cant dig. cant empty the vast body of water and see what remains. you can only blindly guess what might be. and no, you don’t have a net in this situation. that’s the end. 

Mysteriously Yours,

Paige 💜

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