Re: Maybe This Will Help

 (In response to: x)

How often is one meant to blog? once a week? Bi-weekly? And by “bi-weekly” I mean in the "every two weeks" sense and not the "twice a week" sense. And how, without such an explanation, is anyone supposed to know whether you mean twice a week or every two weeks? It seems like a confusing phrase.

My point is, I don’t have any sort of schedule for this and I will either be blogging too often or not often enough.

Dear Jessica,

I imagine I will also look back on this is later years (or months maybe) and feel embarrassed about writing personal letters for the whole of the internet to read. Maybe the solution is to not look back. As for now I feel really excited about it. I'm happy to have a project.

You are not alone. It’s cliché to say that, but it’s true. And I know that sometimes that isn’t comforting because it doesn’t solve your problems. It doesn’t even make you feel less alone. But it’s okay to feel the way you feel. I wonder if there are support groups in your area that you could go to? (For depression? Maybe some kind of mom support group?)

Being financially secure and having all you could ask for unfortunately doesn’t guarantee good mental health. (No I'm not calling you crazy 😁). My question is, if you have all the things you want and it’s not enough, then what is it that will make you feel fulfilled? Tell me all the things! What do you want from life that you aren’t getting?

Though we have similar personalities and ways of approaching life, we are in vastly different situations, so I cannot speak as any sort of expert on dealing with how you are feeling. I don’t have a degree, a husband, or children. I have shelter that I can’t afford to pay for myself, no money in the bank, and I can’t ask my family for anything because I hate feeling like a burden. I hate the sound in my mother’s voice when I ask her for the most minimal thing. We don’t have a good relationship anyway, so it gets even more strained in such situations. Plus she isn’t doing well in the finance department these days either. I can’t ask Dad for things because he asks too many questions. He wants to know what my plans are and how (if it’s about money) I’m going to pay him back, etc. But like you said, that’s one of those posts for another day.

Even though there are things I don’t have that I desire, I’m not that worried. I feel like I’ll get there. Even though I stood in the kitchen stirring hot chocolate powder into boiling water and thinking to myself that my mother had me at 26 and I'm only 23 and I can’t imagine having kids til I'm like 35 and wondering if I'm wasting away my valuable baby-making years… but I'm fine. Probably.

Often I fear that once I get the things I think I want I won’t be happy. To be honest I’m not that happy now, so it’s even worse that I’ll hope for future happiness and come up empty handed. Scary Thought Town, population: me.

All I ever do is get overwhelmed by tasks I have to do. I sit and I think, “I have to do this. But in order to do that, I have to do this first. But this third thing is the real priority. Oh crap, I don’t have any clothes to wear to do that third thing, so I have to wash laundry. And if I want to wash laundry, I have to empty the dryer first. Sigh. Maybe I'll just stay here and watch Netflix.” I am the Queen of procrastination.

There's a thousand other things on my mind, but none of them are coherent thoughts yet. Once they are, I will try to pin them down on my mental cork-board and save them for future posts.

Don't feel the need to respond to my response immediately or at all! You do your blog how you like :)
Paige 💜


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